“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
You Might Also Like
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat