Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations