Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you