Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!