Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
New favorite tiktok
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
this is the most humiliating day of my life
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.