Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.