Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
In case you needed to hear it:
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”