Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Dishonest mechanic?
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]