Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.