Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
This line from Airplane.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
DOOO EEEET
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.