Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.