@TuffyNyC: Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you're a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
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@sfreeze6: [HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
@UnicornSyrup: I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever .
@KenJennings: Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.