A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.