Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
You Might Also Like
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The morning after pill, but for tweets
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.