JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda