Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets