KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
mentally somewhere in italy
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it