“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
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Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.