@PawnYourLife: Kids suck. Even God gave up after only having one.
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@markhoppus: Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?! Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.
@_ElvishPresley_: [sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver's ed together mean nothing to u
@causticbob: Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again
@primawesome: My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.