Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?