Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
How it started How it’s going
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan