Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
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[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.