Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
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-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
You better watch out
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
(Musicians.)
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.