I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.