Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
britain’s three elite institutions
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia