Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.