Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
why am I working on Labor Day
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.