Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.