Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.