Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!