Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I love wikipedia
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
this makes me so uncomfortable
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’