Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Reporter: *ports again*
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Grow up never but we old may grow we
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior