Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.