Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
You Might Also Like
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?