Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide