Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest