Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!