*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.