If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
You Might Also Like
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!