@supaj76: My ex-wife could've pushed Gandhi to violence.
@jonnysun: PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
@k3llytweets: boys literally have 0 excuse for not having communication skills bc I’ve seen y’all play group video games and you describe where ur at like it’s life or death
@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
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