Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
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Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
i- i did not expect this
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Oh. My. God.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭