Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
You Might Also Like
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.