Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.