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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
hmm conte-me mais