Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods