@dumbbeezie: Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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@MartaEffing: I'm sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
@TheAlexP: Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm? *remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked* Rattle snake
@truegritrumble: BOSS: Show the new guy around. (Hours Later) NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office. ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
@amselts: [being strapped to a medieval torture table] "tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack"