Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
God has left this place