Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
pat pat
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.