Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.