Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
How can I say no to this ?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?