Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most