Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Breaking news:
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Hotels are back
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.