Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.